Dollman

Finding actors for an independent move is hard as fuck. Dean Hampton, a cocaine rabbi from the projects, refuses to act in the movie due to "ethical concerns."

"Listen" he says, "you don't want to make movies about crazy people. It ain't right." Dean adjusts the top of his tie with fatherly precision. We are standing in a deli.

"I'll throw in two cases of Bud."

"Let me say, however, this movie may have merit," he says.

Finally getting Dean's expressed consent to play the lead role, I head to my apartment and crack open a bottle of champagne to celebrate. Two days later, however, when I return to Dean's home toting the completed script in hand, Dean is AWOL; his common law wife, June, claims he ran off with a chick he met over the internet. What the fuck!

Next stop is to talk with my brother, Wes. Notorious for being a stalemate and certified Dead Head, Wes lacks most social etiquettes. He smokes dope, lots of it - I think he grows it somewhere, maybe his asshole - but the bastard won't touch alcohol, like its bad for him. The only reason he got a job at the hospital is to fuck the hippy nurses.

I catch Wes on his lunch break. As I suspected he's outside enjoying a cigarette (I guess a cigarette). I approach him about the movie opportunity spilling out a quick synopsis.

"Hell, no" Wes says, "I don't want to be a part of your stupid little movie. That's sounds like shit and nobody would watch it. Honestly, you talk about me smoking up. What the hell have you been smoking?" Wes surveys the smoking area to ensure no one witnessed his fit. He flips the cigarette over the railing shaking his head.

"No would have worked."

"Okay, no."

Scuttling through the hospital hallways, I'm frustrated, but counting on a miracle. I get a soda from the drink machine and gulp it down. By the time I leave, I've lost half the day.

Around 3 o'clock, script in hand, I drive to the local high school to scout talent in the drama department. Knowing the drama teacher, I should have a shot at finding a student interested in acting. Not an optimal solution, but better than nothing.

"Jason, wow, good to see you," Mr. Ardenvork says when I barge into his room.

"Mr. Ardenvork, I've finally got a script and I need your help."

"I can proof it for you."

"Well, I need an actor for the lead role and I was thinking you might have a student who would be interested."

"Shouldn't be a problem," he says, "I'll review the manuscript and determine the best fit."

Without delay, I turn over the manuscript and thank him dearly. This one man army, Mr. Ardenvork, restores my faith in humanity.

To give him time to read the story, I check out the rest of the school, visiting the gymnasium for the hell of it.

Entering the gym, I brush by two girls and a guy. The two girls, cheerleaders (hair in tight bows), smile at me while the guy grabs both of their asses simultaneously. The guy says, "What a f-N Douche bag" after seeing me.

I sit on the first row of bleachers. A girl walks by, and on a whim, I ask her if she would be interested in my movie. "You freak, I'd rather be on the rag," she says. On her way out, she slams the door to the gymnasium.

Returning to the room, I see that Mr. Ardenvork finished his review.

"I have to tell you to not to let anyone read this," he says.

"Just the actors, of course."

"I mean get rid of it, Jason. This is garbage. If you were in my class, I would have reported you."

"What? I always remember you saying that great literature and movies aren't afraid to cross boundaries."

"A man molesting dolls, I don't think so. Please tell me you don't do that."

"No way. I molest kids."

"Get the hell out of here!"

"Mr. Ardenvork, I'm kidding. I can't believe all this over a story."

"Leave. You're lucky I don't call the police."

Needless to say, I didn't sell him on Dollman.

I think I might give up on the movie. I don't have any funding or actors. I could ask you to play the Dollman.

Jake Kinzie: Every time Jake Kinzie writes a bio he tries to pretend he is a talented writer. The truth is he is just a thirty something dude (not bald though, thank god!) who likes 80's horror movies, fast-food, and writing stuff that he thinks is cool. If you can stomach mediocrity, check his stuff out a Nuvein.com, WordRiot.org, and, ascentaspirations.ca

Email: Jake Kinzie

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